That step of Bow Out !

Instant intimacy it was ! We wound up kissing on the bed of the meditation cum healing centre on the afternoon of my Birthday. That day after meeting him, I realized that I was having a full-blown affair with a married man and could no longer espy myself. 

I had felt bereft of life and suddenly, I was a wanted woman, desired, and filled with passion and vitality. Consumed with thoughts of him, when we weren’t together I was either lost in memories, reliving every detail of every second with him, or longing for him, trying to figure out the next time we could see each other.

In a few months, lying next to him in the post-orgasmic glow of the most incredible, tender, sensual experience we’d ever had together, I felt a plenitude.

Up until that point, I had well compromised with the way things were. I’d identified that the reason I was magnetically drawn to this man, was that I myself was emotionally longing for my right man who matched my conceptualization infinitely. So, having a high browed man seemed perfect for me—it was passionate and exciting, and there was built-in distance, so I didn’t feel suffocated, trapped, and in danger of actual intimacy. I thought I’d hang in this extramarital limbo until it got too painful, and then I could just opt out.

I’d never have to lose days for I was penning my intoxicating thoughts of him in the deepest corner of myself where no one could ever peep into. My life had returned my distinctiveness.

He was usually in touch every day, many times a day,

I was constantly admonishing myself that Ogre and Fiona were not authentic characters in Shrek (2001), the animated movie. But then, he had already made me his FIONA !

Thereupon, today on World Marriage Day, his wife sent him a note on the bonds of trusts that a couple should pursue.

When he forwarded me that content, I felt the hammering of a squall, and I didn’t know what had happened to me. What I did knew was that this was it—I’d hit rock bottom. Whatever it took, I had to reconstruct myself and put my wrapped up in myself, deductions away. And on this Spring day something else shifted in me. In my excruciating agony, of a conscious mind and a broken ankle, I knew with complete certainty that my destructive pattern of having relationships with unavailable men was finally broken. If I had to complete this karmic journey, I could never, ever, do this again.

Turmoil and Turbulences

My relationship with that being should be a force that will help me expand my life and bring forth my innate potential with fresh and positive influences.

At this stage, there was no room for any negativity and hindrance in my uncanny life. Neither of us deserved to be hurt . Love is a complex matter that reflects each person’s attitude and philosophy towards life.That is why I believe people shouldn’t get involved in relationships lightly, rather measure its wavelength .The bottom line is that, without respect, no relationship will last for very long, nor will two people be able to bring out the best in each other.

Much of my daily life tended to be ordinary and unexciting. Trying to bring back love in my life seemed to be filled with drama and excitement; I felt like the leading character in a novel of which ironically, I was the scripter.

And then I don’t know why I took this decision of staying away from Him. Maybe I was intimidated that I would lose my comfort zone, that, my implanted fortress would crumble down. It was a subjective opinion in my case and could be, that I was seeking wrong answers.

The best thing I could do when having doubts about why I was acting in this way or seemed to have this or that feeling was to talk with that person and explain how I felt. That wouldn't make me weak, vulnerable or dependent. I was only caring about the person who was an important part of my life.

My life is under my full control, and no one else’s—and I should know what’s best. So, I set in with the sense of trust I had in myself, e.g. by repeating my most empowering affirmations then, by writing down all the negative messages that have been bothering me and then again writing down positive beliefs that counteract these limiting statements.

I have decided not to feel guilty for having this very human experience! If I hold on to this vision of the life I want to have and stick to my mission to look to the underlying veracity in my relationship, I felt I would be moving forward in happiness and excitement.

When you provide support and inspiration for people, you will get more backing and motivation from the universe in return. I have set out to do just that……….

When life takes a full turn (to my son Aakarsh)

I learnt not to succumb to the negativity. Instead, just kept soaring high.
With effort I rose above to prove to myself, that nothing was impossible.

Did I need the right genes or the right fortitude?

Nothing mattered now, for you had created the path for me to navigate and search my own Buddha.

Life has no guarantee, but I shall cherish our crazy repartee

I'm trying to change, but to those promises that I broke
I wake up, as if the morning has given me a poke.

With time, you grew to be a man but our bonds still live on.

Today even though our ties are different, you finding your love does not mean our own is gone.

It’s a struggle coping with life being separated from your kids,

But then that’s your life and this is mine.

I do not wish to relive my convoluted nightmare

The drifting of my mind,

Those barriers to my existence have blurred

Freedom, at last .

No one can ever take away your place, nor replace your overpowering love.

For as long as I live, I know you will be holding my spine to keep it upright and see that I get back to where I belong.

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.”

My attitude , just like anyone else would be distinctive in different circumstances.

But when a health related calamity stuck my daughter, it over engulfed me.

It was like a stereotypical repetition of my own fitness conditions. It is almost impossible to transcend the laws of nature, but then in that given setting ,  I had to find a solution, not just concerning my daughter’s health but also bring peace to my psyche.

I had survived things that were worse than what I was going through now and I knew that if I had survived my past , nothing or no one could stop me. I had to be stronger than what I thought myself to be.

I had an opportunity to take control of my life by the decisions I made.

I had been a follower of Buddhist philosophy for the past some years and the only quick fix to my daughter’s agony seemed to lie in relying on my deep faith towards my Buddhist practice. So I started to chant to bring out the best in her, trying to banish the negative forces that were trying to traumatize her. Taking responsibility of being a mother gave me the power to be exactly where I wanted to be.  I had to figure out what I needed to do to cope with tough times. I was not going to let any troubles knock me down.

Realizing that I could not face this issue alone , I decided to be upfront with friends and colleagues about what I was going through. My friends knew that  I had managed to push through hard times, and they were much more willing to put their necks out for me to help me thrive. Together we chanted sending strong energy forces towards my daughter. Since chiIdhood I had been taught the power of combined prayers and the reports of my daughter, although not exactly perfect ,saved her from many more complexities.

I had learnt to trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.”

 “anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” really did ring true !

Taapsi and Mark, on your 3rd Wedding Anniversary !

On your third wedding anniversary, I wish you and Mark, a lifetime of joyous moments and memories that you both can treasure forever!

It has been my great joy to watch you grow from a young girl into a gorgeous and marvelous woman. And today on your anniversary, I wish you both a life full of wonderful experiences that are wrapped in love.

That was a special day when you were born. I have watched you step by step on your journey, from your first clumsy steps as a bubbly baby to the alluring young bride walking down the aisle and into the arms of your love. I am overwhelmed by  your accomplishments followed by successes. I wish you and Mark many more adventurous walks together, joined arm in arm in love for eternity.

Snowfall may be distressing, but then comes the spring. Summers may be hot and humid but then you see the radiance of colors in the fall. At times life will be dingy and drab but then you have to have the perseverance to see it sparkle and radiate. I am confident that together you  both will confront the challenges that will come your way . Mark, the more I got to know you, your quintessential qualities got to be more highlighted. I am so glad to have you as my son in law.

“Marriage is that relation between man and woman in which the Independence is equal, the Dependence mutual and the Obligation reciprocal”.

You both are fortunate to have each other as your lifetime partners.

तापसी, तुम फ़िर उसी अदा से अंगड़ाईयाँ लेकर हँस दो ,

मार्क को पलट कर याद आएगा गुज़रा हुआ ज़माना ॥ 

New exposure/ Newer experiences !

My first time ever ,also happened as soon as me and my kids

parted company.
My connecting flight between the two islands taking me to Toronto got delayed. Can't say whether it was the lazy eyes of the Tobago islanders, or their casual approach (I don't see any negativity in them, with their ever winkle smile) that I reached Trinidad in the middle of night ,only to know that my next flight was 12 hrs later.
Trinidadian camaraderie made sure, I am put up in a hotel close by the airport , sensitively pampering me, as they realized that I was stuck in their country due to their laxity.....no,no... oversight ,a small error.
Awaiting my onward flight to Toronto , with a ciao to my son Aakarsh Ramchandani (already at his desk in New York), and daughter Taapsi Ramchandani( on her research field work in Trinidad).
Islanders of this T&T country, despite all this, I am not chickening out
 

Just listening to BBC that Delta Airlines of US has been grounded due to operational problems, then for my Caribbean Airlines ,this was a speck in the ocean.
Neelam Ramchandani will return with her complete family !

Complexities and Simplifications

Being a singleton for a decade has not been an easy ride.

At times I felt like a sadcase, then an utter fool with a feel that I am getting used by myself.

My numero uno   personality was like vanishing from sight.

Then came a brainy equation wrong*wrong = right . But then I was doing the right things trying to sort out my perplexed life?

Life was quiet ,  yet  pleasant and then was this influx as if everything was happening all at once.

I don’t believe in pretence, so I knew I had to lift my ship’s sails before it sank.

I had to muster that strength to believe that everything will be alright.

So I decided to change my life by changing my thinking that I am a wonderful, capable being able to discharge my responsibilities .

I believed that tomorrow would be another day and I would have a tireless temper to simplify my life by reducing my scales  ,  yet keeping my comfort zones and eliminating the complexities.

Now my equation had changed to maximum output with optimal effort.